Goin' it Solo....

Goin' it Solo
Originally uploaded by MariGerard.

So It has been a crazy two weeks since I was stabbed in the chest with a huge dagger full of reality. The reality that the love I shared with Chris wasn't as deep as I thought...the reality that I am destined for someone else..the reality that I will be living on my own again in a few mere months...the reality that I don't hve many people I can call friends here in Chicago...there have been good days and bad days...a nice side effect is due to decreased apetite and increased Yoga and Pilates I am now down to 185 pounds from the 205-210 I was just before the holidays...thats nice. I died my hair back to its natural color of brown (see picture). I have been a fake burgundy head for like 13 years now..time to get back to who I really am. Today is a good day and I feel really positive about my future. I want to thank all my friends and Family who really came through and helped me get past these difficult days in my life. You know what they say "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger" I figure I should be strong as Hercules by now! Have a great weekend!

All Better....

My SPACE
Originally uploaded by MariGerard.

Ok- not completely of course- I'm not a robot..but after a really crazy night..I had some Epiphany's...I had made some misinterpretations, Chris made some too, I had an idea that our relationship was one way when he saw it totally another. Truely the Chris I was so in love with, was not the Chris, Chris was being. And I being so blinded by love didn't see that. But we do care for each other and we want to remain friends, and that means my own space. This will have to do for now (see pic-its my room-very cool if I do say so) In 4 months according to the budget Chris and I layed out I will have all my basic belongings(the ones I sold to move) back and a really cool apt in my friend Jason's building. I feel like I will be able to get really right with me,through this and put my heart and soul into the company I am forming with my three best friends (and yes Chris is still one of them-we are going to be the next Steppenwolf), and find a man who wants to really give his heart to me. And if that last part doesn't happen for a long time..that is going to be ok..life is more than men. I'm in chicago baby! I don't have to pay for gas! I live with 1 million people...how could I have thought I was going to be alone. Sorry if I freaked anyone out. I am going to be fine and actually, today I feel really good about my future, excited even. I know this must seem crazy comming one day after the angry post..but when I wrote that I was just talking from hurt, and I really had a copletely different perception of our relationship. Now that I'm not deluded I can learn my lessons and feel ok. I can be a grown up...I knew I could. Thanks for all the positive vibes. Send Chris some too..it took big balls to be has honest with me as he was, and truely I thank him deeply for that.

Another one bites the dust...

****DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS FULL OF ANGER AND HURT AND NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN SO I CAN LET GO OF IT ALL. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION***

So a year and 6 and 1/2 months after I fell for the man I thought could be the "one". A year and 3 months after I sold ALL my belongings (furnishings,TV,cookwear,car)at his suggestion to move here with him to start our new life together...he woke up and decided he wasn't done with women, and that there might be something out there he is missing. Translation- he got the job of his life and felt like he wanted to stretch his wings and live large a while. And you know you can't do that with a committed relationship going on. So he very politely informed me that he "Loved me" but wasn't "In Love with me" and of course it "isn't you-it's me". Story of my life. Funny thing is three years from now he will realize that he did want what we had and he will go to find it with someone else. Also the story of my life. I am a wonderful training girlfriend. Men fall madly for me- beg me to move in, get cozy and then want freedom...everytime. I think by my count this scenario has played out 4 times now. I really wanted to keep this one- but God obviously has a bigger and better plan in mind for me. Unfortunately I have no belongings and a lease that doesn't expire till October. The good news is I have an apartment big enough for me to have my own room and living room and all I really have to share is the bathroom and kitchen. This will allow me to buy the things I need for an apatment of my own. I'm doing remarkably ok I think, and I really want to salvage at least a friendship with Chris when this is over, seeing as we were really great friends first before we ever started dating. Once I am no longer hurt and sad about loosing him I think I might really be able to. I am still friends with DJ, Shawn and Slappy..so I guess only time will tell. I will be accepting condoleses in the form of Chocolate...thanks! I promise the next blog will be happier.

Biggest Can O BEANS!!

Biggest Can O BEANS!!
Originally uploaded by MariGerard.

I was site shopping for work at Costco on sunday and I came across this HUGE can of Garbonzo beans! I Love them, but even I could not guess what in the world to do with THAT many! My fingers are in the shot so you can see the size of the bloody can! HUGE I say! Its been a busy January for sure, but things are going well. I met my DramaGirls little sister on Monday night. (I may or may not have mentioned previously that I am mentoring at risk Latina girls from Logan Square on Monday Nights through a program called DramaGirls) Her name is Jackie and she is in 5th grade and actually talks more than me! Can you believe it? She is funny and she seems to really like me. Monday night we played improv games and made a huge collage style "Gossip Shield" that we will use as the design for our actual gossip shield used in the show we will be writing and performing in May. The program is amazing and the female mentors are just as awsome as the Girls we are mentoring. I am very glad I could do this program this winter! I'll just have to DVR 24 this season...sorry Keifer our monday night date will have to wait.